


Your Heart on the Line

by eprime



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: M/M, hp_emofest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-10
Updated: 2010-10-10
Packaged: 2017-10-12 14:12:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/125704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eprime/pseuds/eprime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things aren't always simple, but they're always there for each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Heart on the Line

**Author's Note:**

> **Notes:** Written for the 2010 hp_emofest. Title from Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons.
> 
>  **Additional Notes:** I wouldn't say emo is my usual style, but I thought it would fun to give it a shot. My inspiration was the intimate circles of friends I've known, the ones where people have known each other for years, where the lines get blurred, and how the fallout from these relationships affect everyone.

One.

"Oh, hello, Moony."

James sat up on the bed and ran his hand through the back of his hair, smiling as Remus shut the door behind him and moved to kneel in front of his trunk. Sirius was sprawled lengthwise across the middle of the bed, propped up on one elbow. He smirked as Remus looked up from the bag he was unloading.

"I'll be out of here in a moment." Remus really didn't want to return to the library or even go down to the common room. Full was in two days and he was tired and achy and just wanted to curl up on his bed and stop thinking for a while. He wasn't oblivious like Peter sometimes was, though, and he could tell James and Sirius had thought he'd be wrapped up in the library with his Ancient Runes project a lot longer this evening. Without focusing, he stared into his trunk and grabbed the first book his fingers touched.

"Found it." He forced a smile to his face and stood. "See you in a bit."

"You don't have to go."

James was looking at him, his brow creasing a little as he took in Remus' pallor and the circles under his eyes. The hand Remus had curled around the spine of the book gripped a little tighter. He hated the weakness each cycle brought.

"You should rest."

"Thanks, mum," Remus murmured, letting one side of his mouth just twist up.

Sirius, who had remained silent so far, gave a snort of laughter and pushed up off the bed. James grinned and waggled a finger at Remus.

"Someone's got to look after you, young man. You're a growing boy and all."

"How much more do you want him to grow?" Sirius asked. "He's had to buy new shoes once already this term."

"Yes, I know. Our ickle Moony has finally become a strapping young lad." James wiped away a pretend tear.

"Shut it," Remus said sedately. "Anyway, you know what they say about big feet."

"Why, Moony!" Sirius adopted tones of shock. "Are you bragging about the size of your prick? Whatever is the world coming to?"

"It's not bragging if it's true."

James and Sirius laughed.

"He's got you there, Padfoot."

"So he says. Seeing is believing."

"Just what are you suggesting, Mr. Black?" Remus infused his tone with breathless dismay.

"Drop trou and prove it, Mr Lupin."

"I'm not that kind of a boy, I'm afraid. You'll have to get your jollies elsewhere."

He could have bitten his tongue. James and Sirius exchanged smirks.

"Well, yes, I suppose we had better be off and leave our blushing little virgin to his book and bed."

Remus rolled his eyes but dropped resignedly onto his bed. At least he wouldn't have to bide his time in the common room. He threw an arm across his eyes and tried to remember that even before James and Sirius had started this--whatever it was--between them, Remus had sometimes felt like a third wheel in their presence.

Somehow that didn't make him feel any better. Still, he couldn't help wishing they would stay and keep him company, even while wanting at the same time for them just to go and take the awkward tension with them.

"Do you need anything?"

Remus moved his arm and saw Sirius standing over him. He was studying Remus carefully with a thoughtful expression of concern that many would have found out of place on his face. It made the blood in Remus' heart surge strongly for a beat.

"I'm fine, Padfoot, honestly." Remus smiled. "Just tired."

James appeared next Sirius, the invisibility cloak draped over his arm. "Sure you don't want to come out with us?"

The offer warmed Remus a little, even as his cynical inner voice noted that James had only asked because he was secure in knowing that Remus would decline. Maybe James did even mean it genuinely. The two of them did make an effort most of the time not to pair off on their own excessively, well not more often than they ever had. Not that Remus was about to intrude when he was sure they were hoping for some time together alone. The thought made him want to cringe into his pillow.

"Nah. I'll stay here with my book and Sirius' Honeydukes stash that he thinks no one knows about."

They laughed again and he shooed them away with a mocking little flutter of his fingers. The door closed on their laughter and Remus tried not to think about what they were off to do. He rolled over and tucked his face against his pillow. Just a little a nap and then he would get up and shower and maybe catch up on his Potions reading.

He didn't wake up until the next morning. Someone had taken off his shoes and drawn a blanket over him at some point in the night--Sirius probably. A flare of gratitude made him smile softly and regret his bout of envious brooding.

He heard stirrings across the room and he looked over to see James stick his tousled head out of his curtains and look around. When he saw Remus awake, he grinned.

"All right, Moony?"

"Morning, James." Remus yawned and stretched until his back popped then got up and padded to the bathroom to relieve his bladder and give Sirius time to get back to his own bed before Peter woke up. It wasn't as if it was a secret exactly that Sirius often slept in James' bed this year, but the forms had always been upheld.

He took his time brushing his teeth and hair and then headed back to his bed, stopping at his trunk to pull out his trousers and shirt and sweater. Sirius was sitting up in the middle of his bed nibbling on a chocolate frog, and James was heading into the loo for his daily hair ritual that took half an hour even though he always came out looking almost the same as when he went in.

"Nice breakfast." Remus smiled at him. "Don't you know chocolate is very bad for dogs? Though, given what Padfoot found and ate by the lake last week I suppose it won't hurt much."

"Woof!" Sirius grinned back. "Anyway, I'm hungry and you know how long Prongs takes to get ready."

Sirius always looked good effortlessly, even after rolling out of bed at the last possible moment.

"Indeed I do," Remus grimaced as he slipped out of yesterday's clothes and wished he had time for a shower. Once he was dressed in his fresh uniform, he picked up his Potions book and sighed. "Guess I'll read a chapter before breakfast then."

"You've forgotten your tie." Sirius gestured with the headless frog.

"Oh." Remus frowned, looking around his bed and crouching down to sort through his trunk again. "Have you seen it anywhere? I took it off yesterday and I thought it was here."

"I've an extra you can borrow." Sirius crawled to the end of his bed and grabbed it from his trunk.

"Ta."

He reached to take it but Sirius held on, smirking at their little tug of war. Remus raised an eyebrow which only made Sirius smile more widely.

"It does make a nice leash," Remus said dryly. "But I don't have time to take you for walkies before class."

"You'd better take him out before he piddles on the floor again." Peter's sleep-thick voice came from within his still shrouded bed.

"Sod off, Wormtail," Sirius called, letting go of the tie. "That was only the once."

"Tell that to my bedpost." Peter finally emerged and sat on the edge of his bed, rubbing the heels of his hands against his eyes.

Breakfast was a subdued affair. Peter was shoveling in sausages with one hand and propping his Potions text open with the other. Remus was only nibbling at the food on his plate. With the full moon being so close he felt slightly nauseous, though he knew he should force himself to finish if he wanted to keep any sort of strength after.

James called out a greeting to Lily as she passed them and Remus looked up in time to see Sirius scowl and stab at the eggs on his plate. James was oblivious. He kept looking down the table in between bites barely paying attention to the comments Sirius would throw out. Once he'd finished he pushed his plate away and murmured a quick excuse before rising and sauntering down the table to take a seat by Lily. Sirius' expression turned even blacker and his hands tightened around his silverware before he let them clatter to the table.

Remus dropped his eyes when Sirius looked up at him.

"You're going to finish that." Sirius' clipped tone made Remus lift his eyebrows in mild surprise. It wasn't a question. He looked up at Sirius again and shrugged.

"Not hungry."

"Eat it anyway."

The look on Sirius' face was purely thunderous on the surface. Underneath, though, Remus thought it was a little lost, so he simply forked another bite into his mouth and chewed slowly ignoring the slow roil of his stomach. Peter looked up from his text with mild sympathy.

"Rough morning?"

"I'm all right." Remus smiled wanly. "Sometimes it's a bit like feeling hungover, only without the fun of the evening before."

Sirius snorted and actually cracked a grin. "Maybe we should get you drunk, then, if you're going to suffer the consequences regardless."

"Oh God," Remus groaned. "Don't talk about alcohol now." His stomach churned again, and he carefully laid his knife and fork across his plate.

Sirius' eyes flicked down the table, and Remus followed his gaze. It was no surprise that Lily didn't look particularly pleased by James' attention. At least some of the tension seemed to go out of Sirius. When he looked back at Remus his smile seemed genuine.

"Want to go have a smoke before class?"

Remus pushed his plate away with relief. "Sure."

"Wormtail?"

"Can't." His eyes ticked back and forth over the page of his book.

Remus followed Sirius out onto the grounds, and they both leaned into the shelter of an overhanging arch as they puffed their fags into life. Sirius inhaled deeply, tilting his head back to blow a column of smoke into the crisp morning air. His cheeks hollowed with each drag and Remus watched him from underneath his too-long fringe.

His own actions were economical and efficient, jerky motions that accomplished his task rather than creating the grand theatrical gestures that Sirius could always pull off effectively without even trying. Remus sucked in a harsh breath and let the smoke fill his lungs before exhaling sharply.

Leaning up against the rough stone wall and looking out over the courtyard as the early morning fog burnt off was remarkably soothing, and they didn't speak until they were grinding the butts into the stone and flicking them into the air before vanishing them.

"Are you all right, Sirius?" Remus ventured.

"Of course." Sirius shoved his hands deep into his cloak but looked at Remus with an arrogant lift of his eyebrow. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Remus just shrugged wishing he still had something to do with his hands. Instead, he just rubbed them together and blew on his chilled fingers. "It's getting cold early this year."

Not that November was ever all that mild here in the highlands, but the biting gusts of wind felt more like deep winter than late fall. Neither of them said anything for a minute then Sirius pushed off the wall and took a few steps into the courtyard. He squinted up, trying to find a hint of the sun through the caul of the overcast sky.

"I'm expected home for the hols."

"Oh. I thought you were staying here." Remus knew that given the choice Sirius would have spent Christmas with the Potters, but his parents had forbidden that. Sirius had said anything was better than being forced home for the holidays, even if he was the only Gryffindor staying over.

"I was," Sirius said bitterly. "But I got a letter from dear old mum the other day. They're insisting I go home so they can make proper arrangements for my future." His mouth twisted up in a sneer. "Apparently they think I'll bollocks it up beyond repair if they don't take charge now."

"I thought they felt you already had ever since you got sorted into Gryffindor."

A grudging laughed slipped past his lips, and he turned and looked at Remus. "They did, but things are different now."

"How?"

"Well, I'm almost of age now, aren't I?"

"And?"

"Don't be thick, Remus." Sirius scowled and looked away again. "They want to go over prospects. Solidify an alliance with another noble and most ancient family." He sneered. "Particularly one who's _values_ are in line with that nasty business we only hear rumors about at Hogwarts."

Remus' eyes went wide. "They want..." Sympathy welled up in him as well as a sharp flare of denial that he had no right to feel, and that he tried rather futilely to stamp down. "Fuck."

Sirius shot him a grin, then, always enjoying the sound of a curse from Remus' mouth.

"Language, Mr. Moony."

Remus ignored this.

"But you...you not going to..." Remus didn't know how to finish the sentence.

"Pledge my troth?" Sirius said sarcastically. "Not if I can bloody help it."

"Does James know?" The question slipped out before Remus could contain it. Of course James knew. He always knew everything about Sirius.

"Yeah."

"What did he say?"

"He said I should tell them to sod off and come and live with him and his parents."

Remus absorbed that for a moment, letting the twist of jealousy subside as he thought about Sirius trapped in the home he hated with people who would never understand or accept him.

"Why don't you?"

"Oh, Moony." Sirius gave him a playful swipe to his chin. "You're so naive. It's not that simple."

"I'm not naive." He batted Sirius' hand away. "And I don't see why it's not."

"For one thing, I don't want to cause trouble for the Potters. You think my parents would just sit back and let me get away with that? Not bloody likely. I'm the heir whether they like it or not."

"What will you do then?" A line furrowed between Remus' brows. "They can't force you into anything can they?"

"Not legally, no. And I'm not of age yet, so for now it's all just intentions and such, but that doesn't mean they can't make my life even more unpleasant than they usually do. You've no idea what they're like."

Remus had some idea, actually, but Sirius didn't open up completely to anyone about his family. However, Remus knew enough to know that they'd go to questionable lengths to coerce Sirius into doing what they wanted. How Sirius would manage it was the unknown quantity in the equation.

"It won't be long before you're seventeen. What happens then?"

"I don't know." Sirius looked grim. "But I won't let them force me into any farce of a pureblood alliance." He smirked then, stepping back under the arch with Remus. "Perpetuating the Black bloodline is not high on my list of priorities. I'll leave that to Regulus if he's so inclined."

Now the conversation was skirting an area everyone had always tacitly avoided. Remus snorted and shoved his icy hands into the voluminous sleeves of his cloak. It was strange to have the unusually forthright comment hovering between them, so Remus made a joke to diffuse his unease.

"Good thing for you, too. Aren't all your first cousins taken already?"

"Ouch. Low blow, Moony." Sirius laughed and slung an arm around Remus' neck, reaching up to scrub his knuckles against his head with his other hand.

"Geroff!"

The boys tussled a moment before falling into step and heading back inside the castle.

* * *

  
Two.

 

The rest of November passed fairly uneventfully, though Sirius cycled through mood changes a bit more erratically than usual. He received another letter from home, and that sent him into a black sulk that had everyone walking on eggshells around him. Since he never volunteered information about the contents, Remus didn't bring up the conversation they'd had, but he did his best in subtle ways to improve Sirius' mood, like being the one to instigate a bit of late night mischief or sharing scandalous tidbits of gossip he'd been saving up for just such an occasion. Sirius would brighten for a while and give Remus one of his heart-stopping smiles that Remus would store carefully away in his memories.

Things between Sirius and James seemed to be growing more erratic, too. On the one hand, they were less circumspect around Remus and Peter. Well, he wasn't sure about Peter, but for Remus walking in on charged situations became a more common occurrence. James and Sirius seemed to take his acceptance for granted, and they hardly bothered to pull away from each other whenever he stumbled across them. One evening, eyes sore from revising his Arithmancy notes in the common room for too many hours, Remus headed back to the room so intent on a shower that he'd pulled off his shirt and dropped his trousers before he realized he wasn't alone.

It was the wet slurping sound of their mouths pulling away from each other that alerted him. They were on Sirius' bed, dressed thankfully, but tangled together in a lazy sprawl. Both of them looked over at Remus, taking in his state of undress. As one, they curved their mouths into wicked grins.

"Going to join us then, Moony?"

The light glinted off the lens of James' glasses, giving him even more of a devilish gleam.

"Ha. No..." Remus thanked any gods above that he'd kept his pants on, at least. He turned and fumbled for his pajamas and cursed his lack of eloquence in the moment. "Er...shower. Sorry."

He could feel the blush spreading over his face and down his neck. James and Sirius laughed and his skin burned hotter.

"Sure? Plenty of room."

Sirius' come hither look and voice, even in jest, was enough to send Remus fleeing toward the loo clutching his pajamas in front of him.

Remus managed to toss what he thought was an amused grin over his shoulder. "Peter should be up in a few minutes, you can ask him." With that he shut and locked the door on Sirius' snort and James' laughter. His shower consisted mainly of a very urgent and hurried wank, where he tried valiantly not to picture himself insinuated between them.

Then, there was the other hand. Sirius was taking every attempt by James to get into Lily's good books with increasingly ill grace. James had been trying since last year to no avail, and Sirius had always seemed more amused than bothered by it before. At this point, Remus wasn't sure what it all signified.

That Sirius was heavily invested in what was going on between him and James seemed certain, but what James was doing was less clear. Sometimes Remus wondered if the thing with Lily wasn't just another challenge for him, something that he couldn't walk away from until he conquered her reserve. Not that Lily wasn't a spectacular girl. She was. But...the way James sometimes looked at Sirius spoke of more than just a friendly bit of experimentation between mates.

Remus had to hate himself sometimes for wishing Lily would give in, especially each time James would put on a show for Lily, and Sirius would draw into himself and disappear for hours sometimes, coming back to the dorm reeking of firewhiskey, but crawling between James' curtains every time and waking in the morning like nothing had happened. The closer the Christmas holidays came, the worse it got.

Everyone was on edge by the time the full moon rolled around again, and Remus was glad for once that it would give them all a chance to work off the tension that had been building over the past several weeks.

"What time is moonrise tonight?"

"6:23."

James nodded. "Right. So you're headed down now?"

"Pomfrey will make me eat something before I go, so yeah." Remus made a face. "I'm going to the infirmary."

"We'll see you soon, then."

"It's so early tonight. You should eat dinner before you come, too."

"Stop being such a git." James shook his head as he placed a hand on Remus' back and propelled him toward the door. "Can you imagine Sirius if I told him, oh by the way, we're going to let Moony rip himself to shreds so we can all put away a nice hot serving of shepherd's pie."

"I don't like shepherd's pie anyway." Peter grinned. "'S why I made a kitchen run for provisions earlier."

"See there? Pete's got it covered. We'll feed our faces right now and be there right on time to tame your furry little beast."

"Where is Sirius anyway?"

"Dunno." James frowned. "Don't worry, though. He'll turn up before too long."

"I'm not _worried_. Just asking."

"Go on then," James directed. "Or are you waiting for a goodbye kiss?"

"Wankers," Remus muttered as he tromped down the stairs to the sound of their snickering.

Despite James' assurances, Remus was crouched in the shack naked and shivering, his nerves already twitching under his skin as the pull of the moon began to reshape his mind and body, before he heard the sounds of his friends. There was only a split second of coherence as he saw two dark-haired shapes appear at the door. His mind was screaming for them to _change_ , and then he was lunging forward and a red light filled his vision.

He woke in the infirmary, which was the first unusual thing. Ever since James and Sirius and Peter had joined him during the moon, he'd woken in the morning in the shack first, always to his friends' concerned faces. Now, though, the room was dark and still, and only the sconces along the wall threw any light across his bed. The second unusual thing was the amount of pain he was in. He hadn't felt this banged up since before either.

His mouth was so dry he could barely think of anything else, and his eyes fell on the pitcher and glass on the bedside table. He started to reach for it but fell back against his pillow with a pained gasp. "Madame Pomfrey?" His voice was so hoarse and low it was barely audible, and his throat felt like he had swallowed glass. He wondered if he had somehow contracted some sort of flu that manifested quickly.

"Remus?" Madame Pomfrey emerged from her office and crossed swiftly to Remus. "I thought I heard you, dear." Without being asked, she poured a glass of water and held it to his lips, helping him hold his head up as he sipped. She didn't miss his wince as he swallowed and settled back on the bed.

"You'll need to drink this, as well, Remus," she said gently, taking a small bottle from the table and uncorking it. "You had a rough change. This will help with the pain and you need to sleep again."

"What time is it?" Remus frowned. "How long have I been asleep already?"

"You've been asleep all day. It's quite late." She lifted his head again and pressed the bottle into his hand. "Drink this, dear. All of it, if you please."

He drank and her face swam before him, kind and concerned and full of something like pity.

"Did something happen?" he slurred. "Where are..."

"Shh...a good rest is what you need now."

The last thing Remus remembered was the feel of her fingers stroking his hair away from his forehead.

When he woke for the second time, Remus could feel the sunshine through his eyelids. He smiled at the sound of shuffling feet and hushed whispers.

"Pomfrey will have your heads if she finds out you've woken me up." Remus' voice was still hoarse and deep, but his throat wasn't quite as raw. He opened his eyes to see James' face hovering over his.

"Ha, she told us to wake you, lazy git." James grinned down at him, but there was something slightly off about it.

"What time is it?" He yawned, not bothering to cover his mouth.

"It's after eleven. How are you feeling?"

"Like I went several rounds with an Hungarian Horntail, actually. What did we get up to last night?

James pulled back, casting a quick look over his shoulder. Remus could see Peter behind him, fidgeting he stared at Remus with wide-eyed concern. There was no sign of Sirius.

"James?" Remus questioned, raising his eyebrows as he turned back to look at him. A vague dread was pooling in Remus' stomach. The expression on James' face looked so out of place, uncertain and apprehensive, that Remus felt the beginnings of panic flutter in his chest.

"Did something happen?"

James licked his lips and looked over his shoulder again at Peter, who had gone quite pale and looked on the verge of being ill.

" _James_? Did I...did I hurt someone?" Remus felt the blood drain out of his face, and he looked from James to Peter with mounting horror. "Oh God, did I...did I hurt Sirius?"

"No!' James shook his head and grabbed Remus' hand. "You didn't. You didn't hurt anyone. I swear."

"What? What then?" Remus rasped, desperate to know what was going on. He started coughing and had to accept the water James handed him before he could get another word out.

"Please, James, tell me what I did."

"You didn't do anything." James took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. "It's just...Snape found out about you. He...followed you through the Willow and...and he saw you transform. You didn't hurt him," James said quickly. "He got out in time. _Nobody_ was hurt."

"Except for Remus," Peter said so softly the words were barely heard, but James flinched anyway.

Remus' mouth gaped open. "What...how? He saw me go in?"

"Not exactly," James eyes flicked to the side for a moment, and then he dropped his chin down and sighed. "Sirius told him how to get past the Whomping Willow."

"Sirius."

"He didn't mean it," James continued in a rush, as if he thought Remus was capable of getting out of bed and rushing out of the room before he had a chance to explain. As if there could be an explanation that made any sort of sense.

An overwhelming numbness spread through him as Remus listened in silence, while James talked of Sirius coming to him and chasing after Snape and sending Peter to Dumbledore and finding them waiting at the end of the tunnel when they emerged.

"I saw you," he finally whispered when James' words had run down. "I thought it was you and Sirius, but it must have been you and Snape. I saw, and I wondered why you hadn't changed yet, and I was worried and then..."

James blanched. "I had to stun you. I'm sorry, Remus. I put everything I had into it, and then it was just enough to get the door closed and warded. And thank Merlin you taught us that one ward because it held long enough to get out the trapdoor and lock it and get its wards back up, and just in case I ran all the way back through the tunnel, shoving Snape in front of me the whole way."

Remus didn't say anything. He felt like he never wanted to say anything ever again, so he shifted his gaze to one of the windows and stared at the slice of blue sky he could see. It looked like a beautiful day outside. He had to choke down a giggle at the inanity of the thought. He must have made some sort of sound, though, because James put his hand on Remus' shoulder and squeezed, a bit _too_ hard if it was meant to be comforting. Remus was sure he didn't realize.

"Remus?" James sounded shaky, his voice mimicking his faltering expression.

"Did Professor Dumbledore tell you when I would be leaving?"

"What?" James asked, sounding shocked.

"He'll have to expel me. You know that."

Everything felt muted, so very distant, even his reaction to the inevitable outcome, and Remus was able to look at James calmly.

"No. _No_! Remus, it's not...he's not going to do that. Snape, he--he promised not to tell."

"Why would he do that?"

"I don't know, but Dumbledore said so. He did something or..."

"I'm not expelled, then?"

"No! Remus, listen..."

"Thank you, James." Remus looked up at James solemnly. Even though he couldn't really feel anything at the moment, he knew that he owed James more than he could ever repay him. "For not letting me..." The words caught in his throat, and finally a bit of emotion seeped through his shock. His hands clenched in the blanket covering him, and he blindly stared out the window again.

" _Moony_ ," James whispered, squeezing his eyes shut as if they pained him. "Don't thank me."

Remus flinched at the nickname. It was too innocuous, too endearing, too _cute_ for what he really was.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I put you in danger. All of you, and I don't think--"

"Stop it," James said fiercely. "Just stop, Remus. Don't even say it or think for one second that we're going to stop doing this with you. This had nothing to do with you. It wasn't your fault."

Remus laughed, a horrible raw sound without humor.

"It's everything to do with me. And you know the last thing I ever want is to hurt anyone, especially any of you..."

"Exactly," James cut in. "You wouldn't, and you won't, and I won't hear another word about it." It was only the wavering in James' voice, and the way his breath hitched in his chest, that made Remus give up the point for the moment. The numbness was taking over again, and all Remus wanted right then was to be left alone.

"I think I'd better rest now, if you don't mind," Remus finally whispered, curling up on his side and squeezing his eyes shut. He ignored the questions that wanted to beat their way out of his chest and mouth because Sirius wasn't there to answer them, and even if he was Remus knew there were no satisfactory answers to be found.

* * *

  
Three.

 

The common room was still relatively empty. Most people were either still at dinner or amusing themselves elsewhere before curfew, so Remus only caught a few curious glances as he passed through to the stairway. He paused at the landing, steeling himself to enter the room. No sounds could be heard through the door, and he was hoping that everyone would be still be in the Great Hall. His meeting with Dumbledore had wrung him out, and the thought of facing any of them right now, especially Sirius, seemed almost too much to bear.

He pushed open the door slowly, and his stomach plummeted as he saw James and Sirius and Peter. They were each on their own bed. Peter was holding a magazine, while James and Sirius were both lying on their back and staring up at the ceiling. When they heard the door click shut they sat up quickly.

"All right, Remus?" Peter asked, nervously rolling his magazine into a tight ball.

"Remus," Sirius interrupted. He slid off his bed and took a few steps toward him, his eyes locked on Remus' face. "I'm sorry. I'm _really_ sorry. I didn't--I wasn't--" The stuttering was so unlike Sirius that Remus was able to stare at him with a detached fascination.

"I wasn't thinking, and I never meant--I never meant for you to get hurt. I didn't think he would listen to me, and I just--I got so _angry_ , like I do." Like James had done, Sirius was almost tripping over his own words to get them out in one breathless rush. "He was always sniffing around and _saying_ things and I--I--fuck, I'm so sorry, Remus."

Standing there in between their beds, Sirius looked vulnerable and anguished. His hands were twisting the hem of his shirt, which was hanging untucked from his trousers. He was the very picture of regretful sorrow, and Remus wondered distantly, uncharitably, if he had practiced in the mirror.

Not that Sirius had ever needed to work at making Remus forgive him anything. He'd always borne the brunt of his moods and scathing words with calm understanding. Sirius lashed out, and that was just the way he was. Everyone knew it.

Even this, this bone deep betrayal that drove home to Remus several hard truths, couldn't make Remus reject Sirius. He couldn't even get the words out to express whatever he was feeling now, not even in his own mind. The only thing he could distinguish was the cold knowledge that nothing would ever be the same.

"Remus," Sirius' voice cracked. "Please. Please say something. Tell me you don't--don't hate me."

With a start, Remus blinked slowly. He had been staring, been silent for too long. He parted his lips, not knowing why it felt he hadn't spoken in a year, why it was so _hard_ to form words.

"I don't. I don't hate you." Remus spoke quietly in his still rough voice, shifting his gaze down to the floor somewhere at a point between them. "I know you didn't mean it. They told me. Dumbledore. James." His chest tightened unbearably as he forced the words out. "No one got hurt. It's...it's all right."

"It _isn't_ all right," Sirius said fiercely. "I fucked up so much. I promised, and I--"

Remus shook his head. "It is. It's all right. And...and we don't have to talk about it again."

"At least...please, Remus...let me explain."

At this Remus raised his eyes, and something of what he was feeling must have shone in his face because Sirius visibly flinched, his chest hitching sharply. Did Sirius really think he could offer an explanation that would ease anything? But he listened as Sirius' halting words spoke of Snape, of Regulus and his family, and of Snape's insinuations about Sirius--about James. Of course.

For a moment he met James' eyes. They flickered with something like guilt, and Remus went back to looking at the floor again. Sirius was still talking, regurgitating Snape's vile words and the way he had finally thrown out the taunts about Remus and where he went every month.

"And it just spilled out, Remus." Sirius finished. "I just--I _told_ him before I knew it because I thought--I thought--"

Remus closed his eyes for a moment, then turned and walked to his bed.

"I understand," he said, his back to them. "It's done."

"Remus."

"It's _done_. All right, Sirius?"

He took the sound Sirius made as confirmation and climbed into his bed, pulling the curtains shut around him. A whispered spell wrapped him in silence, and he curled up in ball and finally let himself cry.

The next morning he rose with the others as if the past few days had never happened. Doing his best to ignore the awkwardness between them all, Remus forced himself through familiar patterns and speech. He asked Sirius to pass the marmalade at breakfast, and he smiled or rolled his eyes at the few jokes anyone ventured to make.

Sirius was uncharacteristically silent, and he kept shooting glances at him all day whenever he thought Remus wasn't looking. At lunch time, Remus saw him straighten up abruptly out of the corner of his eye. Remus looked at him, and Sirius was frowning.

"Where's your badge, Remus?"

Remus shrugged. "I turned it back in to Dumbledore."

James and Peter broke off their conversation to stare at him.

"I can't believe he--"

"It was my choice." Remus' tone said plainly that he didn't want to pursue this line of conversation, but Sirius couldn't let it go.

"What? Why?" Sirius frowned deeply.

"I was a shite prefect anyway, you all know that better than anyone."

"No you weren't!"

"Moony, you weren't," James broke in. I know you went easy on us sometimes--okay often--but you're really good with everyone else, especially the younger kids. They all really like you."

They all recognized the stubborn thrust of Remus' jaw as he fastidiously cut a slice of sausage. He avoided looking at Sirius, who was staring at him with wide, guilty eyes, and forked the meat into his mouth, chewing methodically.

"You _did_ rein us in as well, sometimes." James was still trying to get through to him.

With an impatient sigh, Remus laid his silverware across his plate. "It's nothing to do with you. The fact that I couldn't control you lot is just a secondary thing."

"Then what is it?"

"You know what it is." Remus whispered it fiercely, finally losing some of his composure. "It's a joke that I was made prefect in the first place. It was a mistake from the beginning. I shouldn't...shouldn't be put in a position of responsibility like that, not when I could..."

"Could what?" Sirius whispered back just as furiously. "Hurt someone? You _know_ that's not going to happen. I...I know this is my fault, but it won't _ever_ happen again what I did. I promise, Remus. You can't...you can't just quit." Sirius looked quite anguished, and he gripped Remus by the arm. "You love being a prefect. I know you do, despite all your complaints."

Remus made an effort calm himself, visibly tamping down his emotions and drawing himself up. "It's done," he said simply. "It's done, and that's that. Please just leave it, Sirius. All right?"

Nobody said anything for a moment, then Sirius gave a grudging nod and let go of Remus' arm. Some of the tension drained out of out Remus, and he made an effort to smile. "At least you won't have to sneak around me anymore when you're planning something particularly illegal."

"Good point, Moony," James said briskly, doing his best to gloss over the awkwardness. "We shall have to take advantage of that post-haste."

Sirius stood up abruptly. "I'm going for a smoke. Come on, Remus."

Remus hesitated for a moment, then he stood up slowly.

"Disgusting habit." James made a face at Sirius. "You only do it because you think it makes you look cool."

"Why does Remus do it, then?" Peter put in.

"Oh, Remus. He has an addictive personality." James grinned. "Finds something he likes and can't get enough of it."

"Coming, Peter?" Remus asked, pointedly ignoring James' comment.

"Uh, no thanks." His eyes flicked over to James. "Think I'll have seconds."

Sirius rolled his eyes, grabbing Remus' arm to tug him away from the table. "Ta, lads. See you in class."

"Where are we going?" Remus asked when Sirius kept going past their usual spot.

"Greenhouses. I just want to get away from the crowd."

Remus looked over his shoulder at the empty courtyard and shrugged. Sirius obviously had an agenda, probably to convince him to reconsider his decision, but he hoped he would just drop things for once. When they'd finally rounded the corner of the far greenhouse and slid down to the grass to back against the glass walls, Sirius only pulled out his pack and shook a couple of fags.

They smoked in silence, and Remus felt his muscles loosen as the nicotine hit his system. James was right, he was way too addicted to these things. Idly, he flicked ash into the air and decided he really didn't care.

"Did you know Wormtail is taking MacDonald to the Astronomy Tower this weekend?"

The sudden comment made Remus arch an eyebrow. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Sirius smirked. "Think he'll finally get a leg over?"

"Charming, Padfoot."

Sirius laughed. "Everyone but you thinks I am."

"And I've just said you are as well, didn't I?" Remus tossed his fringe out of his eyes to give him a sardonic look.

"But you're just being a sarcastic git." With a dramatic sigh, Sirius pressed his hand against his heart. "You wound me deeply."

"Your ego is imperturbable."

"Good thing, too, having such a cold-hearted friend as you."

Remus shook his head, smiling bemusedly. "Someone hit you with a babbling hex?"

"Just making conversation, Moony."

"Ah, well, perhaps we'd better save this fascinating topic for later. We'll be late for class if we don't start heading back."

Remus started to push up when Sirius grabbed his wrist.

"Wait a moment."

"What?"

The expression on Sirius' face was indecipherable, and Remus frowned a little waiting for Sirius to say something.

"What is it, Sirius?"

"I just..." Sirius hesitated, darting his tongue out to lick his lips and staring at Remus with an intense gaze. "I think we should try something."

The frown lines between Remus' eyes deepened. He looked back at Sirius in confusion. "Try what?"

For an answer, Sirius leaned in and pressed his mouth against Remus'. Remus froze, neither moving away nor responding until Sirius pulled back. He looked chagrined. "I...I'm sorry, Remus. I thought you might like blokes."

Remus just stared for a moment. "That...doesn't explain why you _kissed_ me," he finally said in shell-shocked tones.

Sirius had the good grace to flush. "Well, it's no secret _I_ fancy blokes and I thought if you did as well..."

"That it would be a good idea to snog behind the greenhouse?" Remus asked incredulously.

"I thought--" Sirius seemed to be doing his level best to affect an air of nonchalant interest. "Well, do you?"

"Do I _what_?"

"Fancy blokes."

Remus didn't say anything. The sound of Hagrid's voice boomed in the distance, and the barking of his huge dog also carried through the air toward them. Finally, Remus gave an abrupt nod and dropped his gaze to his knees.

"Knew it," Sirius crowed, and Remus shot him a dirty look.

"Yes, well, now that's covered can we go now?" Remus' discomfort was turning his cheeks pink, and Sirius was still holding on to his wrist. Confusion over Sirius' actions made his voice a bit acerbic.

"No. I want to kiss you again."

Remus looked up astonishment. "I don't think--"

Sirius let go of Remus' wrist to cup the back of his neck and pull him in for another kiss. He had barely slipped his tongue into Remus' mouth when Remus pulled back with a gasp.

"What are you doing? This is..."

"Something you want, isn't it?" Sirius leaned in to murmur against his ear. "Let me give you this, Moony." He began kissing his way down Remus' throat.

"Oh, God. You--I don't fucking believe you!"

Sirius frowned. "What's wrong?"

"What's _wrong_? Christ, Sirius, are you doing this to make it up to me? The whole thing with Snape? You _are_ , aren't you? Fucking hell, Sirius."

Remus jerked away and stumbled to his feet. Sirius sprang up also holding out a hand in supplication.

"Wait, Remus. It's not like that."

"The hell it isn't," Remus said with a bitter twist to his words. "You think I'd want that? You think I'd really want you pimping yourself out to _me_ because you feel _guilty_."

"No! It's not--"

"Do you _ever_ think? And what about James? I'm sure he'd be utterly pleased with this ridiculous plan of yours."

Sirius flinched a little, and Remus could feel his own hands shaking. "Just...don't do this again."

* * *

  
Four.

 

"Would you talk to Lily for me?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"Just feel her out a bit, See if she's warmed up to me at all. Put in a good word."

Remus frowned.

"You don't fancy Lily, do you?"

"No! Of course not. It's just..."

"Just what, Remus? I'm not asking you to convince her to go out with me, just to soften her up a bit. I know you're close, She talks to you. Respects your opinion."

"It's not that I don't want to James. It isn't any of my business, I know, but...Sirius."

At that, James shifted uncomfortably.

"It's not--it's not like that with us."

Remus merely raised his eyebrow, and James flushed.

"I mean," he clarified, "he and I, we had a thing, yeah, but it was always...we always knew it wasn't something permanent. We'll always be close, best mates. Brothers, even."

"Do you even realize how utterly twisted that makes you sound?" Remus couldn't resist saying. "That's purebloods for you."

"Wanker." James gave a sheepish laugh and shoved Remus lightly.

"But he knows I want Lily. I have for yonks, and now, well, I think I might finally have a chance with her."

"James..." Remus really doesn't know how to say it, or even if he should, but Sirius deserved this much at least. "Sirius is...do you really think he'll be okay with this? Are you sure this is what you want?"

James has seen how Sirius looked at him, how he reacted when James tried to get closer to Lily. He couldn't be oblivious to the fact the Sirius was in love with him, even if those kinds of words had never been uttered.

"He..." But Remus couldn't bring himself to say the words aloud either.

"I know." James looked down and seemed to be struggling to find his own words. "But that will pass. Sirius--he only thinks I'm what he needs because his family is so fucked up, and we're so close and always together, especially since he ran away last Christmas, and..." He swallowed and nodded decisively, as if to convince himself as he looked up at Remus. "He'll get over it. I know he will. Move on and...it will be better for everyone."

If Remus doubted the certainty of James' declaration, he didn't indicate it. He just stared searchingly at James for a long moment, and then bowed his head in acquiescence.

"If that's what you want, James. I'll speak to her. Though, I'm not sure she'll count my opinion in the matter."

James' warm thanks and the strong grip on his shoulder did nothing to assuage Remus' tangled emotions.

Sirius came to him the next day while Remus was revising in the library and slid into the chair next to him.

"Busy?"

Remus slid his book away willingly enough and smiled.

"Could do with a break."

"Brilliant. Fancy a walk?"

Remus looked away from Sirius' smile and gathered his parchments into neat layers.

"Let's go."

They walked shoulder to shoulder in silence until they were out of the castle and ambling rather aimlessly in the general direction of the lake.

"James told me what he asked you."

"Oh." Remus was startled, and he almost tripped over a large stone as he turned his head to look at Sirius.

"Watch it." Sirius steadied him with a firm grip on his arm.

"Thanks." Remus looked at the rock, then carefully stepped around it, unsure of what to say.

"It's all right, you know." Sirius fell into step beside him again. "I mean, we all know he's been after her for ages."

"Yes," Remus said hesitantly.

"He told me you were a bit protective. Looking out for me and all."

Remus could feel Sirius' eyes on him, and he flushed, turning to look at the lake lapping against the nearest bank.

"Oh. Well..."

"Thank you."

A warm hand fell on his shoulder and Remus looked at Sirius in surprise.

"You're a good friend, Moony."

His chest went tight, and Remus struggled to keep his breathing even and normal.

"You've been a good friend to me, as well."

"Not always." Sirius murmured, a hint of regret shading his features. "I'm an arse, really."

"'S why I like you." Remus let his lips twitch up at the corners. "So I can feel morally superior."

Sirius laughed, and his whole face lit up with it. The tightness in Remus' chest doubled.

"You are a much better man than I am," Sirius acknowledged. Finally, he let his hand drop but didn't look away from Remus.

"Remus." Sirius chewed his lip a moment before continuing. "I really am so sorry for what I did before."

Remus wanted to drag himself away from the charged moment. The air felt thick and heavy, but he couldn't look away

"Sirius, I know. Please don't apologize again. We've put all that behind us, haven't we?"

Sirius looked shamed and regretful again, and he took a step closer to Remus. His grey eyes were wide and sincere, and Remus had to stop himself from stumbling back to put the distance back between them.

"Yeah, I know. I know. I'm sorry."

It was stupid that his pulse was beating so hard Remus could feel it in his chest and throat and even the undersides of his wrists. He had to do something to break the tension between them.

"You're sorry you're sorry?"

Sirius gave him a lopsided grin.

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"Idiot." Remus shoved him playfully and took off at a sprint. "Race you back to the castle!"

At least now he would have a proper excuse for his pounding heart.

* * *

  
Five.

 

"Come on. Have another one, Moony."

Whiskey-scented breath wafted over his face as Sirius slung an arm around his neck and leaned in closer. James sat at one of the coveted corner tables with Lily, snogging behind a large potted plant. Sirius was pointedly avoiding even looking in that direction. Peter had disappeared with his date.

"I was thinking of heading back to the castle," Remus protested weakly. Sirius had been loud and boisterous all evening, exuding a forced jollity that made Remus ache for him and want to get away at the same time.

"Just one for the road, then." Sirius turned pleading eyes on Remus, which dissolved any resistance he might have had. "And I'll go back with you."

Remus nodded, wincing as Sirius clapped him heartily on the back.

"Good man!"

Sirius dragged him over to the bar and ordered another two shots of firewhiskey.

"Cheers."

Remus had had enough already that the liquid went down his throat smoothly, and Sirius certainly had no problems downing his glass.

"Another?"

Remus steeled himself against the wheedling tone and shook his head.

"Let's head back now or you won't be fit to walk."

"Right, right." Sirius swayed. "Lead on, Mr. Moony."

"I think we'd better take the tunnel. If McGonagall gets a whiff of you she'll go spare."

Sirius snickered as he followed Remus out.

"McGonagall would love to have a whiff of me, Remus."

His eye roll was wasted in the dim light of the tunnel, but Remus did it anyway.

"I'm sure."

His _lumos_ gave them enough light to walk without stumbling. Sirius didn't bother lighting his own wand. He just stayed abreast of Remus along the narrow path, so that their elbows and shoulders bumped as they walked.

"This tunnel used to be a lot bigger."

Remus laughed.

"Remember when the four of us could fit under Prongs' cloak?"

"Glory days," Sirius said, assuming a deliberately maudlin tone.

"God, I hope not. Please tell me hexing Snape's robe pink back when we were eleven wasn't the zenith of my existence."

"Maybe not," Sirius laughed. "Only time will tell."

"I think I've had one or two experiences since then that have surpassed that."

"Oh? Like what, then?"

"You and James and Peter becoming animagi for one."

Sirius flashed him a pleased grin that made Remus feel warm all over.

"That was rather ace."

Sirius transformed to Padfoot and raced ahead then turned to bark playfully at Remus, tongue lolling out in a comic manner. Remus shook his head and laughed but took off running after him. Padfoot barked and made off down the tunnel again.

It was Sirius waiting for him at the end as breathless as Remus was, and they hunched over laughing and gasping for air. After they got their breath back, they slipped into the castle.

"Let's not go back to the tower yet. I've got a bottle stashed in one of the abandoned classrooms."

Against his better judgement Remus agreed.

Sirius let Remus handle the locking charms while he transfigured a bench into a long sofa, and then he threw himself on it in a languid sprawl of limbs and summoned the hidden bottle to his hand.

"What is that?" Remus shoved Sirius' legs aside and sat down.

"Ogden's Finest." Sirius took a swig then offered the bottle to Remus.

"Ta," Remus said then coughed after the swallow. "Merlin, Padfoot. Ogden's Finest my arse. What is this swill?"

Sirius just sniggered, and Remus took other drink before passing it back. He closed his eyes and leaned into the cushions.

"Remus."

"What?"

He heard the bottle clink on the floor and two loud thuds, Sirius' boots coming off probably, and then Sirius climbed over his lap and straddled him. Remus' eyes flew open.

"Can I fuck you, Moony?"

"Sirius."

"Don't say no," Sirius murmured into the shell of Remus' ear.

"I--I don't think it's a good idea." All of a sudden his heart was going fast enough to make the blood pound in his ears.

"Please. I just--I need this. I need this, Remus." His fingers began to slide down Remus' chest, plucking at the buttons of his shirt but not popping them yet. Sirius leaned back to lock eyes with him.

Remus couldn't breathe.

"You fancy me don't you?" Sirius whispered. His tongue darted out to wet his lips. "James said he thought you might."

"James did?" The words are less of a question than a restatement of what Sirius had said.

Sirius nodded, reaching up to rub his thumb against the furrow between Remus' brow.

"Do you? Do you fancy me?"

Remus didn't answer. He just swallowed and looked away, pressing his hands against Sirius' chest.

"I think we should go back now. You're drunk and..."

"Not that drunk," Sirius insisted. "Not enough." He pulled one of Remus' hands from his chest and pressed it between his legs. "Feel how much I want you."

Remus took a ragged breath and looked back at Sirius, caught by the unhappiness and ache he saw in his eyes.

"I need you. Please, Remus."

Before Remus could think of another excuse, Sirius pressed a kiss to his mouth, and Remus parted his lips letting Sirius slip his tongue inside. Sirius' fingers were working again, pulling Remus' shirt open and off his shoulders and moving back down to smooth over his chest.

Remus only struggled with himself for a moment. It was Sirius, and this was what he'd always wanted.

"Yeah," Sirius breathed. "That's it, Moony."

He deepened the kiss, and Remus strained up against him and carded his hands in Sirius' smooth hair. Sirius hands were everywhere, touching, stroking, undoing Remus' belt and flies.

When Sirius snaked a warm hand into his pants, Remus inhaled sharply through his nose as his cock filled and thickened.

Then, Sirius slid down to the floor to pull off Remus' shoes and socks and drag his trousers and pants away with impatient tugs. He stood and peeled off his jeans and pants in one go, tossing them in a careless heap, and not bothering to pull off his T-shirt before he was back on top of Remus and pushing him down onto the cushions to kiss him again. Remus' shirt was still hanging off of him, trapped around his elbows underneath his back, but Sirius didn't keep him there for long.

"Roll over," he murmured against Remus' throat.

Remus struggled back up and pulled his shirt the rest of the way off, nervously watching Sirius digging in his discarded jeans for his wand. Sirius looked at him and grinned.

"You look terrified. Come here." He pulled Remus down to the floor with him and kissed him again. They were kneeling face to face, and as Sirius pulled him close their cocks brushed together, making Remus gasp against Sirius' mouth. He could feel Sirius smile even as they kept kissing, and Sirius made it happen again, thrusting his hips easily toward Remus.

"I really want to fuck you." Sirius pulled back to look at him, and Remus tried not to think about why this was happening now.

He nodded and was immediately rewarded by one of Sirius' spine melting smiles. Heat twisted down to coil in his belly as Sirius moved behind him and pushed gently on his shoulder until Remus was positioned on his hands and knees. Remus' erection hung heavily between his legs, and he wasn't sure he'd ever been this hard in his life even though he felt awkward and exposed and inadequate next to Sirius' flawless good looks.

Almost as if he had read Remus' thoughts, Sirius spoke with an intimate pitch to his voice that made Remus shiver. "You look good like this, Moony."

He whispered a spell that made Remus jolt, then Sirius pressed a soothing hand to the small of his back. "Shh. Take it easy."

A warm finger stroked between the cheeks of his arse and then it was pushing inside, slowly but relentlessly. Remus couldn't help tensing up, it was such a strange feeling.

"Relax, Moony." Sirius bent forward to mouth kisses across his shoulder and the nape of his neck, and Remus felt himself go warm and liquid, almost beginning to like it. "That's it," Sirius praised, but then he withdrew his finger only to press two inside this time, and Remus fought against the urge to go rigid.

He could feel Sirius' breath coming now in faster little pants across his shoulders.

"God, you're so tight."

His fingers thrust erratically inside Remus' arse, sloppy movements that made Remus drop his head and squeeze his eyes shut to block out the discomfort. You survive a monthly transformation that hurts a hundred times worse, he told himself. You can handle this. His arms were trembling, though, as he braced himself against the stone floor and tried to breathe out the tension in his body.

"Fuck, are you...are you good?"

Remus nodded again, hissing in temporary relief as the fingers withdrew, but then Sirius was nudging the head of his cock against Remus' hole, just breaching the tight ring of muscle with a firm but shallow push. His hands settled on Remus' arse to spread him wider. Remus bit down on his bottom lip hard, swallowing the grunts of pain that lodged in his throat as Sirius pushed his way deeper.

Sirius was making enough noise for both of them, groaning as his hips met Remus' arse. He pulled back and thrust again, sending Remus rocking forward with a little cry. His hand tightened around Remus' hips and he tugged him back in time with his thrusts. Remus bit his lip again, determined not to make another humiliating sound like that.

His own erection was flagging, but Sirius was pounding into him with urgency. He started breathing very fast, each breath coming in little short pants that made him almost sound like Padfoot. It could almost have made Remus laugh, if it wasn't such a disturbing thought to have in that moment.

One last thrust sent Remus sharply forward again, and his elbows and knees buckled as Sirius collapsed over him with a long, low groan.

"Brilliant," Sirius slurred into the side of Remus' neck.

Remus rested his cheek on the cold floor, content for the moment to feel Sirius' heart pounding against his back and his breathing gradually slow and even out.

"Sirius?" Remus whispered. He wriggled a little.

"Oh, bloody _hell_."

A soft snuffling, snore tickled Remus' ear.

A few hours later Sirius woke with a start. He sat up to take in his surroundings, eyes going wide as he noticed Remus sitting on the huge window ledge, dangling a cigarette over his knee and looking out of the arched window. He was wearing only his trousers and his shirt, though it was unbuttoned and hanging off his shoulders.

"Remus?"

Remus turned his head. "Oh, you're awake finally."

"Yeah." Sirius scrubbed at his head sheepishly. "Sorry, I..."

"'S'okay." Remus leaned his head back and took a drag off his cigarette.

"Got another one of those?"

Remus tossed him the pack and watched as Sirius lit one for himself. After a moment, he stood up, apparently unconcerned about his nudity, and made Remus budge over so he could sit next to him on the window seat. They smoked in silence for several moments.

"That was your first time, wasn't it?"

Remus winced. He had half thought Sirius would pretend nothing had happened, or perhaps would have genuinely forgotten, given what he'd had to drink, but this head on confrontation or whatever it was had to be worse.

"I'm an arse," Sirius groaned. "An utter, gigantic, selfish arse."

That made Remus laugh, because honestly, it was true and everyone knew it.

"This is news?"

Sirius gave him a look, though, that made Remus look away and shake his head. "Don't, Sirius. I was willing in case you forgot."

"Yes, but, _God_ , I was complete pants."

Remus shot him an incredulous look. "So you're all worked up because of your ego?"

"No! I just...I was so impatient and rough with you. All I could think about was..." He made a small sound of disgust. "Fuck, I barely prepared you. I hurt you, didn't I?"

"It wasn't bad."

Sirius snorted. "You're lying. You know I can always tell when you are."

"Yet here I am all in one piece to fight another day."

"Idiot." Sirius scowled. "It shouldn't have been like that."

"What? You mean you don't usually fall asleep on your sex partner thirty seconds after you've come?"

"Fuck," Sirius dropped his head and groaned. "Did I really?"

"I'm afraid so."

After a moment, Sirius stubbed his cigarette out and flicked it away. "Do you hate me?"

"Quite often."

"I'm serious!"

Remus sighed. "You know I don't hate you. Don't be ridiculous."

"You should," Sirius said broodingly.

Remus took a final drag of his fag and ground it against the stone, then he offered Sirius a tight grin.

"At least I won't die a virgin."

That startled a laugh out of Sirius, and Remus laughed, too.

"I could make it up to you."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Well, if I haven't put you off sex completely, we could give it another go."

"What, now?"

"Yes, I'm...well, much more sober than I was before anyway."

Remus looked back at him doubtfully.

"I'd like to. I mean--if you would." Sirius flicked the hair out of his eyes to look at Remus and gave him an disconcertingly unsure smile. "Give me a chance to make it good for you."

Remus looked down at his knees. "You don't have to--"

"I _want_ to, Remus." He nudged Remus' leg with his own. "Honestly."

When Remus didn't say anything Sirius slid off the ledge and moved in between Remus' legs, sliding the palms of his hands slowly up Remus' thighs. He didn't miss the catch in Remus' breath, nor the look in his eyes when Remus finally looked up at him. When Sirius smiled and leaned into kiss him, Remus didn't resist this time either.

* * *

  
Six.

 

"All unpacked, Moony?"

James lounged against the doorframe, grinning down at Remus.

"Just about, only need to get these books sorted."

"Oh, leave those and come outside with me for a bit. It's a brilliant day for a fly."

"All right, then."

Remus grabbed his broom and followed James out onto the back lawn. The last time he'd looked out on this vista had been during Mrs. Potter's wake, and he knew James' thoughts must be running along the same vein because he looked uncharacteristically solemn for a moment. It had to be not only heart breaking but strange to look over your childhood domain and realize that you were the head of the family now.

"Has Lily got settled in with Alice?"

James looked grateful for the diversion. "She's over the moon about the flat. We're invited to a house warming Saturday next, so keep the date free."

"I'll be sure to clear my social calendar," Remus said dryly.

"Moony," James laughed. "Now that we're roommates again, we'll make you the belle of the ball."

"I can hardly wait."

"So how was your leave taking? Did your mum pinch your cheeks and fuss over you and make you promise to write everyday?" James smirked and slung an arm around Remus' shoulders as they walked out onto the lawn.

"Fine. No, yes, and yes. I'm also to take tea with her every Sunday. You've a standing invitation as well, by the way."

"Jolly!"

"My mum is quite fond of you for some reason. She thinks you're a fine upstanding gentleman. I tried to set her right, but she wasn't having it."

James chortled. "What does she think of Padfoot and Wormtail?"

Remus snorted. "She thinks Padfoot is a hooligan. I think it was the motorcycle boots that put her off. That and his mouth. The last time she saw him was right after fuck became his new favorite swear word, and he kept forgetting and using it in front of her."

"Ha ha! Brilliant. Padfoot _is_ a hooligan, of course. Discerning woman, your mum." They both snickered.

"And Peter, well..." Remus continues. "Don't you dare tell him this, but she thinks he's a bit...smarmy."

They didn't meet each other's eyes, but Remus knew James was making as much of an effort as he was to keep his mouth from twitching into a broad grin. Peter _could_ be a little too fawning at times, even though it'd be the height of disloyalty to say it out loud.

"Shall we?" James stepped away and straddled his broom, obviously using that as an excuse to smile widely.

"Sure."

Remus got on his broom a little less gracefully, but readily enough. They kicked off and Remus followed James in looping circles over the lawn. Without warning, James leaned forward and shot off with a burst of speed.

"Try and keep up if you can!"

Remus laughed and followed James as he darted between trees and over the small lake in the far corner of the property. Their toes skimmed the water sending up white spray on either side of them, and then James was climbing again, higher than Remus usually went. His broom wasn't as nice or new as James' but Remus held on, steadying it with his grip until he was side by side with James.

"Ready?" James's grin was full of anticipation.

Remus nodded and they both plunged down on a straight path, whooping with exhilaration, until they had to even out, streaking bare feet above the expanse of green grass.

"You're not half bad on a broom, really," James said when they'd climbed off.

"Thanks," Remus said dryly.

James laughed and punched his shoulder. They rested their brooms against the porch railing and Remus steeled himself for the conversation he knew James would try to brush off.

"Listen, James."

"Yeah?" James looked at him curiously.

"I just wanted to say thanks...for having me here. It's very--"

Shut it, Moony." James waved his hand dismissively. "Manly bachelor pad here, don't you know? No soppy girl talk allowed."

"Right." Remus nodded. "Manly. Quite."

James nodded back briskly. "Herein there will be much consumption of firewhiskey and leaving about of dirty socks and a life of general dissoluteness."

"Well, in that vein..." Remus pulled an envelope out of his pocket and held it out toward James. "Here's a little something to keep the firewhiskey flowing. It's not much, but I've been getting some work doing odd jobs around--"

"I'm not taking that, Remus." James was staring at him with a mulish look on his face that Remus knew only too well.

"You have to take it." Remus tried to keep his voice even and matter of fact.

"I'm not," James insisted. "It's yours and I--I don't want you to think of yourself as a guest here or my _tenant_ for fuck's sake. It's your home now, too."

"James, listen..."

"No! You listen to me, Remus. I'm not taking that, not when--" He frowned, his hand raking through his hair in an automatic gesture. "It's okay to have something--to do something for yourself once in a while."

"This _is_ for myself. Fuck, James. I never want to be a burden for anyone. Hell, I'd dig my own grave if I could. And _this_ , this is nothing. Not enough to--"

"Bollocks, Moony."

Remus is thankful that James is being so belligerent. This scene would have been unbearable if he had gone all solemn and kind about things.

"You're working for the Order just the same as the rest of us. You've no more time than we do for outside jobs, no matter how creative you are about finding shit work to do and fitting it in between Order assignments. It'd be different if you could have a real job, something you wanted to do."

"It's honest work, James." Remus bristled.

"It may be, but you're wearing yourself out doing it. Don't say you aren't."

"Peter has a job!"

"Peter!" James said scathingly. "Because his mum would have fits if he didn't. And he's only working in his uncle's shop and taking time off whenever he likes."

They were both glaring at each other now. Remus looked away first and swallowed.

"Look James, it's just--"

But James had got a grip on his shoulders and was looking straight into Remus' eyes. "You would do the same for me, wouldn't you? If the situation was reversed?"

And Remus didn't have an answer to that which would help his cause, so he just stared back silently.

"You're one of my best friends. You and Peter and Sirius and Lily--you're all the family I have left. Family take care of each other."

Remus chewed on his bottom lip, staring down at the envelope in his hand. Finally, he looked up and gave James a small grin.

"If Sirius is your brother, does that make me the deadbeat cousin everyone avoids at family dinners, then?"

James laughed and pulled him into a hug. "You're my brother, as well, daft git."

"Oi! There you are. What's all this?"

The porch door slammed shut behind Sirius and Peter, and James released Remus to smirk at them.

"Who let you lot in?"

"We let ourselves in as you're such a shit host." Sirius sauntered over and Peter waved at Remus.

Remus shoved the envelope back into his pocket as James and Sirius engaged in the horseplay that usually passed for a greeting to them.

"Hello, Peter. Did you come on the motorbike?"

"Yes." Peter leaned in and lowered his voice. "It's the last time, too. Sirius is absolutely barking on that thing."

"His sense of self-preservation does leave something to be desired."

"What sense of self-preservation?"

They snickered, then Peter pointed at Remus' shoes.

"You're trainers are leaking, mate."

"Yeah, I'll go change them. My socks are soggy, too. Back in a moment."

He toed off his shoes and carried them up the stairs, opening the window and setting them on the sill to dry when he got to his room. Even though his books were still in his trunk it did look like _his_ ; pictures of the four of them on the desk, his quilt in Gryffindor colors on the bed. He sat on the edge of it and pulled his damp socks off, tossing them in the corner. There. Even better. He was smiling as Sirius burst into the room, slamming the door behind him.

"You didn't even say hello."

"I was coming right back and neither did you."

Sirius folded his arms across his chest and regarded Remus belligerently.

"What was all that?"

"All what?"

"Outside. You and James."

Confused, Remus stared up Sirius, mouth slightly open. "What are you talking about?"

"Do you fancy James?"

" _What?_ "

"You heard me."

"No! Merlin, Sirius. Have you gone mad?"

"You seemed awfully cozy."

"Oh, for--you think I'm daft enough to move in with James and then fuck everything up by making some ridiculous move on him? Even if I _did_ fancy him, I wouldn't be stupid enough to act on it."

"You don't think he'd be interested in you?"

"Of course I don't!"

Sirius stared at him with a sharp look for a long moment before relaxing his stance and giving Remus a wicked grin.

"What would you say if I told you we thought about asking you to join us a time or two back at school?"

Remus snorted. "That you both always said you try anything once, and that I guess I missed my window of opportunity considering he's practically engaged to Lily."

Sirius launched himself onto the bed, leaving Remus sprawled backward underneath a squirming pile of a nearly six foot eighteen year old boy.

"Fuck, Sirius! You weigh a ton. Get off."

"My thoughts exactly." Sirius hovered over him, amused by Remus' attempts to push him away.

"What? _God_." Remus shoved at Sirius' chest. "James and Peter are downstairs waiting."

"So?"

"Sirius!"

"I'll make it quick."

"Is that supposed to be selling me?"

Sirius laughed. "Come on. I'll blow you--quick and dirty."

"You've been spending too much time at the clubs."

Sirius ignored this to slide down and tug at Remus' zipper and pull his jeans and pants down with a sharp tug. Without preamble, he grabbed Remus' cock and sank his mouth over it. Remus groaned. Sirius smiled around his mouthful as no more protests were forthcoming, his free hand worked his own cock free of his jeans.

Sirius gave the cock in his mouth a hard suck, making Remus roll his hips up and hiss. " _Fuck_ ".

Remus wasn't given any respite. Sirius kept his motions fast and rough, working Remus' shaft relentlessly while fisting his own cock just as roughly. He dug his fingers into the quilt on the verge of coming, then Sirius' thumb circled underneath his balls and plumped them up against the base of his cock as he squeezed rhythmically. Remus' hips rolled up again, shoving his cock deeper into Sirius' mouth as he climaxed. Sirius' arm jerked faster and a few seconds later he was coming too, moaning around Remus' softening prick.

After a moment, he pulled away and wiped the back of his hand across his mouth, sporting a self-satisfied smirk as he crawled back up Remus.

"Hello."

* * *

  
Seven.

 

The air in the flat smelled stale and musty, giving evidence of Sirius' prolonged absence since he'd made himself at home in Remus' bed at James'. Sirius was still manic despite the amount of alcohol he'd consumed that evening. He paced restlessly around the room while Remus shoved open the windows. Remus knew that despite the fact that the engagement had been a foregone conclusion for months, the official announcement and party still had hit Sirius like a sucker punch no matter how he hid it.

"Do you want to go out?"

"Out?" Sirius jerked around and looked at him, jittery hands fluttering up to his hair and combing through it. "No, let's just go to bed."

Go to bed meant fuck, of course, not that Remus had any complaints about it. He had Sirius on his hands and knees, working him open slowly and thoroughly to give him something else to think about other than the private celebration James and Lily were probably having right about then, and then pounding into him as hard as Sirius was begging for. They were both slick with sweat and trembling when Sirius came, groaning out a name with a sibilant hiss.

Belly cold, Remus fucked Sirius forward into the mattress, his fingers digging into Sirius' hips. He came silently and slumped heavily over Sirius' back. After only a moment, he eased away and onto his pillow, staring up at the ceiling and letting his breath even out. Sirius didn't move from where he was sprawled until Remus sat up and started to swing his legs off the bed.

Fingers wrapped around his wrist. "Where are you going?"

"Loo."

"Are you coming back?"

"Do you want me to?" Remus asked carefully.

Suddenly, Remus was flat on his back and Sirius was on top, kissing him with a desperate sort of intensity that Remus didn't know how to handle. Sirius wasn't giving him any choice, though.

"Remus," he murmured over and over in between the desperate kisses, as if it would erase the other name.

When they were hard again, Sirius fucked him this time, looking into Remus' eyes the whole time and finally falling asleep wrapped around him tightly despite the heat of the room. Only after his sleep was deep and dreamless did Remus untangle himself from Sirius' limbs and roll away.

Nothing was said in the morning, and a few days later Sirius followed Remus back to James'. Lily was a regular presence now, and Sirius gradually learned to stop calling her Evans and to have the occasional conversation with her that didn't end in sniping. Peter stopped by every couple of days, and it was almost like being back at Hogwarts.

Even their responsibilities for the order slacked off for a time, and it was almost like the war had never existed. In reality, it was the calm before the storm. Later, Remus would look back and realize it was their last gasp of their childhood, for all that they had thought they were so grown up then.

James and Lily planned their wedding, and Remus began quietly to consider his options for moving out. James' generosity was unbounded, but Remus wasn't going to intrude on a newly married couple no matter what they said. He'd have his plans made before he spoke to James about it. It was the only way to avoid a scene, or as much of one anyway.

Before he had a chance to work things out Sirius came to him.

"I was thinking, Moony."

Sirius had a slightly nervous air, which was somewhat unsettling, but his usual grin was in place as he sat on the arm of the chair where Remus was reading the paper.

"Yes?"

"I reckon once James and Evans are hitched you might want to give them their space for a bit. So I was thinking you might as well move in with me. You're there as often as you are here these days anyway, and, well, I'd like it if you would."

He finished this speech with a lift of his eyebrows and watched Remus expectantly.

Of course Remus had thought about it, perhaps had secretly hoped that Sirius might suggest it, but now that it was happening he was having a difficult time accepting it. He wasn't even sure exactly what Sirius was offering.

"You really want to be roommates," he asked cautiously.

"Fuck no." Sirius snorted. "Roommates, I ask you."

Remus flushed.

"Remus," Sirius talked as if he speaking to an exceedingly slow child. "I'm asking you to shack up. You and me. Like we've been doing for quite some time in case you hadn't noticed, only not so officially."

"So we'd be officially shacking up then?" He knew Sirius could detect the faint tease in his voice though Remus kept his face straight.

"Now you're getting it." Sirius' mouth twitched up at the corners.

"I wouldn't be...cramping your style?"

Sirius heaved a sigh, but had the grace to look a little chagrined. "Who I have been with practically every night over the past six months? You're not cramping anything."

Remus couldn't help the glow of pleasure the declaration brought him and he found himself smiling warmly at Sirius. "All right, then."

James took the news with good grace but insisted that Remus stay until after the wedding.

"Someone's got to keep me company until then."

Remus gladly obliged until Dumbledore's tasks finally took a more serious turn, and he was entrusted with his first solo task that didn't involve strictly research, one to which he was uniquely suited. He came home from a meeting with Dumbledore jittery and apprehensive to find James and Sirius playing Exploding Snap in the middle of the sitting room floor.

"I'm not regrowing your eyebrows for you again this week, Prongs, so I hope you like the hairless look."

James and Sirius looked up and grinned.

"I'll do it for him." Sirius smiled wickedly and pointed his wand in the general vicinity of James' head.

"As if I'd ever let you get near me with a hair growth charm again." He batted the wand away. "Anyway, Moony talks tough, but we all know he would never turn his back on a mate in need."

"Quite the vote of confidence, James, but I'm afraid you'll have to shift for yourself because I've got a task to do for Dumbledore, and he wants me leave tonight."

That got both of their attention.

"What? Where are you going?" Sirius demanded.

"I'm not supposed to talk about the details."

"You can't even tell us?" James asked indignantly.

Remus shook his head.

"How long will you be away." Sirius was scowling.

"A week, maybe two."

They both exclaimed, and Sirius spat out a curse. "What does he have you doing? Is it dangerous?"

"No." Most probably it wasn't anyway. "And I told you, I can't really say what I'm doing but...he needs me to gather some information." Which was true as far as it went, more or less.

"Oh, more research." Sirius said dismissively. "Does Dumbledore think we're going to beat Voldemort by reading through musty scrolls?"

"Are you sure it's not dangerous, Moony?" James, who could sometimes be uncannily perceptive, was watching him closely.

"You're asking this of the bloke who regularly rides on the back of Padfoot's bike? Compared to that it's nothing."

Everyone laughed, and the tension eased up for the few hours Remus had before he was to meet Dumbledore for his final instructions.

"Take care of yourself, Moony." Sirius pulled him into an embrace and kissed him soundly before stepping back to let Remus grab a handful of floo powder. "Hurry back."

* * *

  
Eight.

 

The debriefing with Dumbledore and Moody was exhausting, not to mention the several days preceding it, and with it only two nights before the full moon Remus was ready to kiss the door of James' house when he finally apparated to the front entry and waved his wand to allow him to slip past the wards and into the house. The foyer was dark but he could see light flickering from the sitting room doorway, and the sound of low voices filtered down the hall.

He dropped his bag on the floor and went to join them. The beginnings of a smile turned the corners of his mouth up as he placed bets with himself on whether they were having another game of Exploding Snap or working on their second bottle of firewhiskey.

"Padfoot! Prongs! I'm back."

A loud thud and the sound of Sirius swearing made his eyebrows lift into his fringe and he turned the corner curiously.

"What are you--"

For a frozen moment, Remus took in the scene. I was right about the firewhiskey, he thought, staring at the growing puddle on the rug in front of the fireplace. There weren't any cards strewn about the floor, though, only discarded jeans and shirts and the ridiculous boxers Lily had gotten James that were covered in rudely gesturing cornish pixies. Sirius, of course, never wore pants under his jeans.

He wanted not to see James and Sirius, but their dark hair and pale skin and long limbs seemed to be everywhere, permanently searing the image onto his inner lids. The wall sconces to either side of him shattered and a shard grazed Remus' cheek. Blood trickled in a thin line down his face.

"I--I'm sorry."

He took a step back, then another, hit the frame of the doorway and staggered. He just needed to get outside the house and then he could Apparate. Drowned in treacle is what it felt like as he turned and walked down the hall faster and faster, but still in what seemed like slow motion.

James and Sirius were shouting his name, scrambling off the floor and Remus scrabbled for the doorknob. He could hear them chasing him down the hallway. Why? Why, really? A laugh bubbled up in his chest and lodged there, leaving an uncomfortable lump.

Fresh air hit him as the door swung open and he jumped the steps, looking over his shoulder to see Sirius launch himself forward. Remus pivoted on his heel as Sirius caught the fabric of his cloak. It spun away off Remus' shoulders, and the last thing he saw before the sickening swirl of Apparation took him was Sirius' wide, grey eyes.

The Shrieking Shack was the same, with perhaps a thicker layer of dust, but the broken furniture, the blood stains, the rotting fabrics were as familiar as the back of his hand. Remus had spent the past hour casting _Lumos_ and _Nox_ , cupping the tip of his wand in his palm and watching the light outline his bones and veins in a muted red glow. He thought about staying, strengthening the old wards and adding new ones that would keep out James and Sirius for the time being and during his transformation. Even their sharp minds combined weren't up to the task of unraveling his wards so quickly.

He couldn't afford to think they wouldn't find him. They would check his mum's place, and he only hoped they didn't worry her too badly. They would check Sirius' flat and Peter's and maybe Order Headquarters, and when they didn't find him at any of those places they would realize that the Shrieking Shack really was the logical choice given the time of month.

He thought about enduring the moon alone, and the pang of loneliness and grief that swept over him left him sick and trembling. Since Hogwarts they'd run free together on James' grounds every full. He didn't want to lose his friends. He _couldn't_. And they'd done so very much for him, hadn't they? Surely, he could get past this.

But Remus wasn't ready to go back there yet. Instead, he sat in the innermost room of the shack and tried picturing a life without them until he couldn't bear it any longer and facing them seemed the lesser of two evils. For once, he wished the moon would come early along with the oblivion the wolf gave him, but it was still two nights away, so Remus gathered himself and Apparated back to James' house.

This time was James sitting on the edge of the sofa, hunched over with his hands in his hair. Sirius was pacing back and forth in front of the fireplace. They didn't notice Remus until he spoke.

"Hello."

James' head jerked up, and Sirius whirled around to gape at him.

"Remus!" James cried, on his feet and taking an involuntary step toward Remus, but then pulling up short. Both he and Sirius looked out of place in their bodies, like skittish animals afraid to come too close. They stared with wide, apprehensive eyes. Sirius' were red-rimmed, his face drawn and splotchy.

Shoving his hands into his pockets to hide their shaking, Remus looked past them and stared resolutely into the fire.

"I'm sorry I ran off. I was just so...taken by surprise, and I..." He took a deep breath to steady his voice, trying not to give away how close he was to losing his composure. "I just reacted."

"God, Moony," James said raggedly. "Don't apologize."

"I feel so stupid." The words came out of his mouth without emphasis, dull and banal. "I feel so stupid because I knew. I knew and I still--" His choked, self-loathing laugh made James and Sirius wince. "I behaved as if it was shocking that Sirius still wanted you."

"No, Remus I--"

Remus held up a hand and Sirius snapped his mouth shut, an anguished look on his face. "It's always been James. We all know that. It was my fault for hoping that...for misunderstanding what was--" He swallowed thickly. "What we were doing."

"No!" Sirius drew the word out like moan. "You didn't misunderstand. I--I was so stupid and I know I fucked up...again. But Remus you have to believe me, I want you, not James. I swear, I _swear_ I'll make it up to you, prove to you--"

"You don't want James?" Remus laughed incredulously. "What I saw two hours ago pretty much puts paid to that ridiculous statement."

Sirius made some noise that sounded like a strangled sob, hitching a sharp breath and letting his head fall forward so that this hair fell forward and obscured his face.

"It was my fault." James stepped forward as if to shield Sirius, his voice was thick with guilt. "Lily and I had a fight and I--we had too much to drink. I pushed things, I kept pushing until--"

"Sirius doesn't do anything he doesn't want to." Remus said softly. "I can't be a substitute anymore. For a long time I thought I could but now...I just can't. I wanted to believe that after you and Lily were finally together that things might be different but..." He had to stop because he couldn't trust his voice.

"Remus," Sirius whispered, his voice cracking, begging for a chance. "Please. Let me--"

Remus looked up at James, interrupting. "I knew that you felt a lot more than what you ever admitted to as well, but I suppose I didn't think that after Lily you would...act on it."

James went white, looking, if possible, even more wracked with guilt than before.

"I'm so sorry, Remus. I was selfish. It won't _ever_ happen again. I just...I think the idea of getting married and it all being so... _permanent_ and you know how Lily and I can fight sometimes. I just lost my head a bit. I know it's not an excuse, but I... _God_ , I am so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you ever."

Remus forced himself to meet James' eyes because it was easier than facing Sirius. "You've both done so much for me. Don't...don't think I forget that." He finally dragged his eyes to Sirius. "So...we'll put it behind us, can't we? Things will go back to how they were before. Just...just mates, all right?"

Something snapped inside Sirius because he threw himself at Remus, latching onto him with such fierceness that Remus reeled back, stumbling to keep his feet until his back fetched up against the wall. Sirius was sobbing into his neck, trying to form words but the only thing coming out was little hitching breaths and strangled syllables. His neck was wet and hot tears were dripping inside Remus' collar and wetting the shoulder of his shirt.

Something the size of a boulder lodged in Remus' throat. He couldn't breathe besides because Sirius was clutching onto to him so hard, trapping his arms at his sides and he couldn't take a full breath. A dizzying wave of adrenaline made him slump against the wall.

"Sirius," he said, his voice like a croak. "Don't."

"Can't," Sirius gasped. "Can't lose you."

Thy hysteria must have been catching because Remus couldn't disguise the tremor when he spoke. "We'll still be--"

" _No_!" Sirius buried his face into Remus' neck, shuddering hard. "Please. Please." Then his mouth was on Remus and he was planting desperate kisses on his lips, the corner of his mouth, his eyes, cheekbones, everywhere. That was what finally wrenched a sob from Remus, and he struggled to push Sirius away who only held on tighter, burying his face in Remus' hair this time.

" _James_." Remus implored him with eyes which were burning and held wide open to keep his own tears at bay. James looked back at him helplessly. Finally he stepped forward and gripped Sirius' shoulder.

"Sirius. Padfoot," he whispered brokenly. "Let go."

Sirius shook his head, jerking roughly away as James pulled inexorably trying to force him away from Remus.

"Remus. Please. I'll do anything."

Remus had to close his eyes in the face of Sirius' pleas, the anguished expression and tears turning Sirius' grey eyes dark and wounded. He pressed back against the wall and refused to see.

"Why do you always have to be like this? Everything a production. A drama. Why? You don't even mean any of it."

He cut off the sound of Sirius' protest with a vicious snarl. "You _don't_. Do you remember the first time we fucked? Why it happened? I do."

"Remus," Sirius whispered.

"The night of James' first date with Lily. You got drunk because you couldn't stand it, but I was there to provide a momentary distraction. Is it coming back to you? And what about their engagement party? Do you remember what happened that night? Whose name was it you called out when you came? Not mine. So don't make this out to be affecting you so much. I was convenient, that's all. You'll find someone easily enough to get whatever it was you got from me."

Sirius chest was heaving against his as he sobbed silently. James had stopped trying to pry him off and was standing behind them with round, horrified eyes. And Remus didn't know how they would ever fix any of this now.

Then Sirius was sliding to his knees in front of Remus. "Please. I'll--I'll make an Unbreakable Vow. To--to always be faithful."

James gasped, and Remus shrank against the wall, looking at Sirius with shock.

"Have you gone round the bend? I don't want-- _fuck_ , Sirius, you can't just play around with things like this."

"I'm _not_ playing around. I mean it."

" _No, Sirius_."

The collapse of Sirius' expression nearly undid Remus. His heart felt as it was being squeezed in a giant fist. James looked torn, as if he didn't know, for once, what to advise or who to comfort.

Remus took a shuddering breath and shocked himself by what he uttered next.

"There's a different way if...if you want another chance."

Sirius stared up at him with a look of almost pathetic hope. "I'll do anything."

"Obliviate me."

James and Sirius gaped at him in utter shock.

"The last three hours. Just do it. Make it go away, never have happened and it can be like you want."

"Don't," Sirius said, almost a moan. "Don't ask me to do that. It's...it's a _violation_."

"It's that or..." Remus steeled himself against Sirius' desperate eyes, looking at James instead to get away from the intensity of emotion. James looked equally as horrified. "If you don't obliviate me, then..."

For several long moments no one spoke. Sirius slumped forward, his head resting against Remus' leg. Remus didn't push him away, he only waited silently for Sirius' decision, trying to resist the urge to sink his fingers into Sirius' hair.

Finally, Sirius rose to his feet, much more ungracefully than was his wont, and pulled out his wand to rest it against Remus' temple.

"I love you, Remus."

* * *

  
Nine.

 

Remus waved his wand at the pile of wood squares and watched them slot themselves into each other one by one until they formed the well-scuffed teak dance floor. The tents were next and the main pavilion and the tables and chairs. Everything had a beautiful view of the lake, and once Remus had cast the protective wards that would keep everything clean and safe during the night, he settled himself down in the middle of the floor and looked over the rolling green lawn, watching the sunlight glitter on the rippling water.

He sat lost in thought until the click of shoes behind him brought him back to the present. Lily smiled as she sat down beside him.

"Mind if I join you?"

"Not at all. Come to inspect my handiwork?" Remus grinned.

"No need. Now if it were James or Sirius in charge here..."

They laughed and Lily tucked her arm in Remus', leaning on his shoulder to gaze out at the water, too.

"Nervous?"

"A bit. And excited. It's strange because nothing is really going to change is it? But it feels so..."

"Final? Binding yourself to the particular brand of insanity that is James Potter?" Remus nodded, trying to keep his expression solemn. "A sobering thought indeed."

Lily giggled. "Something like that. I don't know how I ended up in love with the blithering idiot, but I am."

"I know." Remus turned to smile warmly at her. "He tends to grow on you like that."

"I _am_ nervous about showing in my dress," she admitted quietly. "Do you think anyone will be able to tell? The things my sister would say--"

"That you're beautiful? And blessed? With a husband who has rather frightful hair, yes, but who doesn't look like a walrus? She'll be filled with envy."

Lily's laughter was full of pleasure, and Remus laughed with her. "You _do_ look beautiful, Lily. Don't doubt it."

"You always make me feel better, Remus." Impulsively, she gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you."

He just smiled and went back to staring at the water.

After a few moments, Lily cleared her throat. "I wish you would stay. James and I both want you to."

"I know, and it means a lot to me."

"But you won't."

"You two deserve to have this time alone together."

Lily sighed. "Well, I don't want to argue about it again, but you do know, don't you, Remus, that you always have a home with us."

"Thank you." Remus picked up Lily's hand and squeezed it. "I'll be over often enough to make you sick of me, I'm sure. You know Padfoot has no sense of boundaries, and I'm sure he'll drag all of us into it."

"Sirius should learn to fend for himself," Lily snorted. "If he thinks I'm going to keep letting him pop over for breakfast every morning because he's too lazy to learn to make eggs properly, he's in for a rude awakening."

Remus laughed. "I'm sure he'll learn someday."

"Not likely. He'll just bully you into doing it for him. Are you...are you really going to move in with him?"

"I really am."

"You two seem to be getting on much better now," Lily said carefully.

"I suppose we are."

"I thought for a while that--well, I was worried about you. About what would happen. James told me, you know." Lily curled her legs up underneath her and plucked at the hem of her robe with nervous fingers.

"What?" Remus looked at her, eyes wide with shock.

"He told me what happened. Between him and Sirius. And you."

"I--" The revelation left Remus speechless. He couldn't fathom why Lily was telling him this now, the day before her wedding.

"Would you really have let him obliviate you?"

Despite the warmth of the day, Remus felt his skin pebble as he thought back on that night. He looked down at his hands, frowning. "Yes," he said reluctantly. "But I'm glad he didn't." Instead, he had healed the cut on Remus' cheek and had promised to take whatever Remus offered.

They looked at each other, mirrored pain in their eyes. "I'm sorry, Lily. I hoped you would never know because...because I wished _I_ didn't."

"Don't. None of it was your fault."

"Sometimes I wish it was."

"What do you mean?"

"I told Sirius once, jokingly, that I liked him because I could always feel morally superior."

Despite herself, Lily laughed.

"I know what you mean."

"Exactly. Only, it's not funny when everyone believes it."

Lily nodded, their mutual understanding going beyond the need for words. Finally, she smiled and Remus' eyed her warily.

"What's that look for?"

"We could lower ourselves to their level."

" _Lily_."

"Don't be coy, Remus."

Remus laughed, mainly in disbelief. "I'm not, but...are you serious?"

"Maybe just a kiss, then. A _real_ one. I'm willing to bet they're both watching from the house. Sirius never takes his eyes off you if he can help it these days."

After a moment, a grin of devious proportions, intimately familiar only to James and Sirius and Peter, crossed Remus' face. She read his acceptance and leaned forward at the same time he did. Eventually, they pulled away rather breathless.

"Wow."

"That was quite a snog, Remus."

"I quite agree."

They laughed, and Remus pushed to his feet, offering a hand to Lily. "Shall we head inside?"

With Lily tucked against his side, they walked sedately back toward the house.

"Are you going to have him back then?"

Remus smiled, feeling lighter than he had in months. "Yes. I think I will."

They watched as the back door slammed open and James and Sirius bounded down the steps to meet them. Things _were_ much better now. They'd learned from their mistakes. He would move in with Sirius. He would have him back. And nothing would come between them again.


End file.
